We all know how the story goes. You meet someone, you click, you spark, you spend time together, you catch feelings, you think it’s all going great, and suddenly… they’re gone.
Without a trace. Like they never were.
What happened? Where have they gone, and WHY?
Readers, I’ll tell you what happened.
They ghosted you. And it sucks.
What is ghosting? According to the ever-popular and publicly-edited Wikipedia:
“Ghosting is a colloquial term that describes the practice of suddenly ending all communication and avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation, and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate”.
Ick. What a clinical way to describe such a romantic blunder.
It seems that - much like situationships - ghosting has become the standard for dating, especially in New York City. Whether it’s you, your friend, your roommate, or the woman you overheard crying at Trader Joe’s, someone knows someone who has been ghosted.
Yours truly has been ghosted not once, but TWICE!
The first time stung like a hangnail. The second time felt like a cosmic joke. This? AGAIN??
What is wrong with people?!
Why do people treat people like this?
I don’t know, readers. So, let’s chat.
WHY GHOSTING STINGS
This probably goes without saying, but for those of you fortunate enough to have navigated the choppy waters of dating without experiencing this emotional rug burn, here are all the reasons why ghosting stings:
Abruptly Painful - One minute, you’re texting or chatting or spending time together. The next minute you’re…where are you? Somewhere down a dark hole of abrupt despair, probably. It’s always a little easier to get through a breakup when you can see it coming. But, the innate nature of ghosting is an abrupt and unexplained departure, which means, readers, a sudden and painful chop. (If people saw ghosting coming, it wouldn’t be called ghosting. It would be called an emotionally mature breakup.)
No Room for Questions - The question and answer period will take place…never. You never get to know what happened, you never get to know why. You never get to ask questions or explain your side or pick apart the past. The person who ghosted you holds all the cards, and you’re left crying in a dirty pile of laundry on the floor (or, was that just me?).
Time to Start Over (Again) - What’s the only thing worse than being ghosted? Being expected to get back out there after being ghosted. While the emotional cowardice of ghosting stings like a thousand paper cuts, we unfortunately live in a society that makes ghosting seem fairly normal. “Oh well, time to get back out there” has become the mantra for the recently ghosted in a way that many of us do not like.
Self Doubt - And, of course, when it’s all said and done - when you’ve finished crying or spiraling or journaling or venting about the person who ghosted you - you’re left with a long list of questions that will never be answered. What does this mean for the recently jilted, readers? A lot of self-doubt. What did I do wrong, why didn’t they want me, and other such unhealthy questions roll around without an ending in sight. For the chronic overthinkers (hear, hear!), this is a toughie to overcome.
WHY is everyone ghosting?
While apps like Bumble, Hinge, and OK Cupid have revolutionized the scene, it is my belief that they have also negatively impacted the way millennials interact with each other. Don’t get me wrong, I met my current (and wonderful!) boyfriend on Bumble. The apps changed the game by creating romantic opportunities for those of us who are very over the meet-someone-at-a-bar vibe. I would never have met my bf at a creepy-yet-trendy bar or standing around in a supermarket. So, thanks Bumble! You’ve done it again.
That being said, these apps have also bred a generation of adults who don’t necessarily have to try that hard to find a match, specifically (let’s just say it) men and male-identifying people.
Hmm. Let’s check out the statistics.
In New York City, there are over 19 million people. Of those people, over 10 million are women and female-identifying people.
This means that WOMENX (or all who identify as women) outnumber men in New York City by over HALF A MILLION.
This frightening statistic means that - for womenx intersted in menx - unless we’re borough jumping every single day to meet new and eligible bachelors, the pickings are SLIM.
What does this mean for single WOMENX in New York City?
The oversaturated NYC pool has perpetuated a lax approach to dating
It’s easier for these people to throw potential matches away, knowing that there is a pool of eager applicants waiting in the wings
Dating apps have created a generation of lazy and entitled daters
Great.
When I was ready to get back out there after ending a three-year relationship, I went straight to the source - Bumble - and there I met Jeremy the Bumble Guy. Cute and sweet, with a cute and sweet dog in all of his pictures. He even lived in my neighborhood.
Huzzah! What a catch.
For two weeks we chatted about our common interests, restaurants we wanted to try, books we like to read, the (eek) first date we would have on our eventual meetup. I relaxed into it, thinking that - despite every episode of Sex and the City - dating in my thirties wouldn’t be so horrible.
Then, one day, my Bumble Guy vanished. VANISHED.
I thought my Bumble was glitching. I thought maybe he’d changed his account name.
I thought I’d accidentally deleted the thread. I scrambled, going through every possible option before realizing the painful truth: I had been ghosted.
I felt so confused. We got along so well...what happened?
The emotional rugburn stung for weeks. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about Jeremy the Bumble Guy, but suddenly I found myself questioning every moment of our cyber interactions. Was I too perky, too weird, too eager? Did he get tired of my jokes or the way I write in ALL CAPS SOMETIMES? Not my best spiral, readers.
The best part of the story? Remember how thrilled I was to discover the proximity of Jeremy the Bumble Guy? Well, to this day, I see him ALL THE TIME. I play it cool as a cucumber - no ghosting guilt here. He, on the other hand, turns beet red and crosses the street to avoid eye contact. His cute and sweet dog, however, always wags her tail at me.
Huzzah.
The why behind Jeremy’s ghosting - and all ghosting, for that matter - remains unseen. I’ll never know why he vanished. But, readers, this much I do know: It ain’t happening to me again.
HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU
DON’T GET GHOSTED (again)
Be Clear Upfront
This is a biggie. In every rom com ever made, the single gal on the first date is all smiles and nods. Wow, that’s so interesting, tell me more about YOU, etc. For women and female-identifying people in the dating game, a lot of us are led to believe that we need to be extremely agreeable and dewy-eyed in order for our oh-so-charming potential flame to want to stick around for date number two.
No way, readers.
Yes, of course, ask questions about the other person - hopefully, they are asking questions about YOU. But, be clear about YOUR intentions. After all, you’re a person, not a sponge.
What are YOU looking for?
What do YOU want?
What DON’T you want?
Be upfront and keep it real, always. If your potential flame is the right match, they’ll appreciate your candor and directness.
(Being dewy-eyed and agreeable is cute, but it gets old real quick. Trust me.)
Don’t Put All Your Eggs in One Basket
For those of us who ovulate, this feels like a baby pun. I promise it isn’t (stay tuned for an article about the pressure of our biological clocks…ick).
Especially for single people living in cities with gender ratio inequality, a first date can feel like an act of desperation.
Don’t let this one go, they might be your last chance!
Let’s change the narrative, readers.
Yes, New York City is filled with more women than men. Yes, it has been my personal observation that many NYC men are lazy when it comes to pursuing dates and/or fruitful relationships. But, hey. That’s just me.
Aside from my evil exes, New York City is filled with MILLIONS of people, so there’s no need to panic about the one person who may or may not be the right match.
Yes, it’s hard to start again - especially if you like someone who doesn’t feel the same way - but it’s important to remember that the world is full of people who are looking for the same thing you are.
Don’t lose hope, and please keep your eggs (proverbial and literal) to yourself.
Hope For the Best, Plan For the Worst
You know those days when you SWORE it wouldn’t rain, so you left your umbrella at home? Then, the moment you’re out of the house, torrential downpour hits? The same theory applies to dating, readers.
Sometimes, there is torrential downpour and you didn’t see it coming.
In this case, that downpour would be a nasty bout of ghosting.
Of course, we want the person we swipe to swipe back.
Of course, we want to be pursued and wanted by the people we like.
And - if we manage to secure a first date with someone exciting - of course, we want it to go well. But, sometimes things don’t work out that way. And, that’s okay.
Before the potential rain hits, prepare yourself. Always bring an emotional umbrella. Have a backup plan if they stop texting back. Don’t text or call if you haven’t heard from them in more than what feels like an appropriate amount of time. Don’t drive salt into your own wounds. If they want to go, let them!
Surround yourself with people who love and support you for reasons that have nothing to do with your flirty texting skills. They’re the people who will be there when Larry from Hinge stops texting back.
Keep Your Options Open
I’m the biggest culprit of this crime, so please hear me, readers.
You. Need. To. Date. Around. To. Know. What. You. Really. Want.
The first few weeks of dating are a trial period. You’re sampling each other, seeing what works, seeing if it feels real, seeing if you’re a match. If you are, fantastic. On to phase 2.
But, if you’re still not sure, you should definitely be dating other people.
Now, remember the whole be clear upfront part of this spiel? Let’s roll with that.
When I say date other people, I mean in a way that is open and transparent to everyone. Be clear about the fact that you’re still dating around. Be clear about what you want. Being vague or confusing with your signals or intentions will only hurt someone (and that someone could ultimately be you).
Keep your options open, date around until you’re sure.
Set (and KEEP) Your Boundaries
One of my worst dating mistakes in both ancient and recent history (ahem, my situationship) is letting the other person steer the romantic ship. Historically, I get so caught up in the throes of infatuation with a new flame, that I let my boundaries and personal checkpoints go out the window. With my situationship, that meant sticking around WELL past the emotional expiration date. It also meant letting him decide how fast (or achingly slow) the relationship progressed.
Never again, readers.
Set your boundaries before you even decide if you want to date that person. Boundaries can include limiting how much texting happens before the first date, sex or intimacy during dates, frequency of spending time together, etc. Whatever it is, it’s your call.
Things get very messy when your boundaries get blurry.
Outline and define them clearly with your potential flame, so there’s no room for confusion later.
Final Thoughts
To wrap things up, readers: Ghosting is AWFUL. It stings, it burns, it hurts. It’s inconsiderate and cowardly and minimizes the other person’s feelings, not to mention ends a conversation that should have involved both parties.
You’ll never know why you were ghosted.
I’ll never know why I was ghosted.
The woman crying at Trader Joe’s will never know why she was ghosted.
But, that’s okay. We can’t change the blunders of our pasts, but we can certainly do our best to redirect the future. With each tip and trick you add to your dating toolbelt, the emotional rugburn might sting a little less. And, as your fearlessly charge into the great battle that is DATING, I hope that your armor (and a little of my weird humor) will make you brave.
And finally, to Jeremy the Bumble Guy Who Ghosted Me: Tell your dog I said hi.
XOXO
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