Y’all. The dating game is STRESSFUL.
If you’re anything like me - a self-proclaimed grungy weirdo-slash-smartypants - the idea of starting anew with a complete (gasp) stranger is absolutely gut wrenching.
Terror, anxiety, dread…plus, WHAT am I supposed to wear?
But, as someone who is shockingly in a happy (and healthy) relationship after feeling like I would NEVER meet anyone again, I’m here to tell you. Dating is terrifying.
But do it anyway.
WHY DATING SOMEONE NEW IS SCARY
Um, where do I start?
Fear of Rejection - This is definitely a “duh”, but still worth noting. Why are dating apps so terrifying? Because it’s a constant battle of rejection and acceptance. Swipe left, swipe right, send hearts, don’t send hearts. Ghosting hurts, even when it’s through the internet. Whether you’re dating online or IRL, the fear of rejection stings just as badly as the real thing.
Being vulnerable - This is a biggie. After my last very bad breakup with the guy who jilted me (after dating for a year), the thought of starting over with someone AGAIN was exhausting. All of my stories, my heartbreaks, my triumphs, my quirks. Letting someone in and hoping they won’t leave me in the dust was harrowing.
New routines - Are they cranky in the morning? Do they like binge watching Korean dramas on rainy afternoons? Will they embrace my constant song outbursts as I cook wildly involved (and messy) dinners? These questions rattled around in my head when I first started dating the person who is now my boyfriend. Learning someone - and letting them learn you - can be seriously daunting.
Merging Parties - As if deciding on a person isn’t difficult enough, then comes the fun part of merging the friend groups. Will they get along? Will we all hang out like an episode of Friends, or will they all hate each other and force us to host separate game nights? This might seem like a little thing, but if you (like me) tend to overthink on top of overthinking, the thought of introducing the new guy to your friend group is enough to give you the night sweats.
The Great Unknown - Let’s say everything goes well on the first date. Maybe even the next few dates. Let’s say you start having sleepovers, you merge the friends, you learn each other’s habits and routines. The GREAT UNKNOWN is always hanging in the background. Giving yourself to another person who could ultimately hurt you is beyond scary. Especially if you - like me - have had your heart unexpectedly broken, this can be a difficult fear to overcome.
So, we’ve listed the scariest parts of dating someone new. Glad we got that out of the way, right? Now, readers…Let’s ask the big question.
What do we do about it?
WHY YOU SHOULD DO IT ANYWAY
New Experiences
Mary Tyler Moore once said, “Take chances, make mistakes. You have to fail in order to practice being brave.” And, readers, that’s basically the long and short of it.
Even if you’re still hurting from your last relationship, it’s important to try new things, meet new people. Maybe you’re not ready to get on “the apps”, but there are other things you can do to shake things up.
Try taking yourself on a coffee date. Or maybe volunteer. Take a class and chat with people who share similar interests. Join a book club! When I was ready to re-embrace the world, I took baby steps. I joined an online book club, I volunteered at a local produce stand, and I joined a gym. It was super scary, but it gave me the courage and the confidence to keep pushing myself. Years later (after the next bad breakup), I already had the tools I needed to start over. So, when I got a bumble notification from the guy who is now THE GUY, I was afraid, but I was also ready.
Stay in Motion
Ever heard the expression, “Bodies in motion stay in motion”?
It’s 100% accurate. Like, alarmingly accurate.
Have you ever had the holiday bloat (which yours truly is currently experiencing) where you just want to eat, veg, and sleep? And the more you eat, veg, and sleep…the more exhausted you feel? Yeah. Same.
But what about when you get that spring get-my-shit-together mojo? You’re running, meal prepping, turbo-cleaning, waking up earlier? Why, readers? Because bodies in motion stay in motion. Stop moving and the mojo goes out the window (or back to sleep).
The same applies for dating. It’s a lot harder to get back out there when you’ve been holed up for months (or years).
As a person who - after a very bad breakup 3 years ago - did not move or try new things for over a YEAR, I’m here to tell you: It doesn’t serve you to sit still.
So, get moving.
See What YOU Like
Dating someone new after a breakup sucks. Why? A million reasons. But, if you’ve been the dump-ee, rather the dump-er, you feel this one hard: Rejection. The breakup felt like a personal attack on you; your looks, your personality, your strengths, your weaknesses. You fail in comparison to others around you, and you beat yourself up for not being what THEY - the aforementioned dump-er - wanted or needed. How could you possibly imagine being what the NEXT person wants or needs?
But, readers, what if, rather than seeing how you can be what others want, you see if others can be what YOU want?
Dating someone new (or more than one someone new) is scary, but it also has its perks. Before you “lock it down” with one person, seeing what’s out there can be extremely telling. Even idle chats can tell you a lot about what a person can - or can’t - bring to a relationship. For this formerly-single smartypants, it was SHOCKING to chat with some of the single men of NYC. As much as I pined for the guy who jilted me, I found that the world is wide and full of people with different wants and needs. What one person won’t do or give or bring to the relationship, another person will. And, while I was still hurting from being callously discarded, I was refreshed and reinvigorated by the possibilities of a more fulfilling romantic relationship.
It Might (GASP) Work Out
So, let’s say you go into the dating scene with both eyes open. Maybe you won’t meet THE ONE, but you’ll stay in motion, have new experiences, and learn more about what you like.
A+, great job.
But, what if, aside from all of the checked boxes and ‘good job at getting back out there’s’, you end up actually meeting someone you…like?
Wild, I know.
The thing is, we spend so much time overthinking all of the scary parts of dating someone new, we forget the fun part.
The part where you meet someone and click. You’re excited to see them, spend time with them, tell them all of your cringey parts and learn all of their cringey parts. You WANT to merge the friends and charge into the unknown. It’s scary, but it can also be amazing.
Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You never know what (or who) is out there.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Still feeling terrified about dating someone new? That’s okay, readers. This is far from a problem-solving post. At the end of the day, we each have to work through our fears alone. All I can tell you is that forcing myself to ‘get back out there’ when I truly wanted to stay home and isolate was the best thing I ever could have done. I had new experiences, I met new people, I regained my confidence, and ultimately (and unexpectedly) met the guy I never thought I would meet.
Dating will always be scary. Even now, I sometimes panic about the GREAT UNKNOWN.
But I’m here, ready or not.
And all I can hope for you, readers, is that if you are considering dating someone new, even if you’re terrified, you’ll be brave.
XOXO
Awesome article. Funny and true!