According to Dictionary.com (because apparently this warrants a spot in the dictionary):
“A situationship is a relationship that is more than friends but less than a committed relationship, which usually involves sexual activity without a commitment to be exclusive to each other”.
Ouch.
For those of us who have been entangled in the ever-weaving vines of a situationship, this definition stings almost as badly as acknowledging that we’re in one to begin with.
Despite its unpleasant undertones, it seems like everywhere we turn - social media, movies, tv, music, even brunch dates - situationships are all anyone can talk about.
Why??
Why do we do this to ourselves?
And why do we live in a society that normalizes and - at times - glorifies this toxic non-relationship?
Readers, I’m not sure. But it seriously needs to stop.
So, let's chat.
THE PERKS OF A SITUATIONSHIP
(if you’re into that sort of thing)
Trying to remove most (if not all) of my judgments from this section of the post, let’s talk about the reasons why someone might enjoy engaging (entangling) in a situationship.
No harm, no foul - Without commitment, there are no expectations. Without expectations, no one can get hurt (or hurt someone else). For those who are commitment-phobes, this is the ‘get out of jail free’ card you’ve been looking for.
No Communication Skills Required - Don’t want to have those cringey yet sometimes necessary “big talks”? No worries, readers. Since this is a non-committal arrangement, you are free to skip the big talks and keep things on the surface level.
All Play and No Work - Spend time together when you want, spend time alone (or with other people) when you want. No relationship milestones like meeting the parents or Valentine’s Day. No anniversaries, no empty promises, no work whatsoever. Just smooth sailing with one - or multiple - partners. The perfect arrangement for those who just want to have fun.
Great, readers. I think I’ve managed to be relatively objective for long enough.
Now, let’s dive into why situationships do NOT work.
WHY SITUATIONSHIPS DON'T WORK
Unclear Boundaries
Remember those super cool “no harm no foul” perks I mentioned earlier? Well, without clear boundaries establishing who and what you are to each other, there’s a LOT of room for vague and messy moments. Things like texting back or showing up for a planned “hang” might seem small, but without clear boundaries, they are not guaranteed.
We’ve all had those moments where you feel like you’re going to burst into flames if your crush - or fling - doesn’t text you back.
But, the thing about situationships is…no one has to do anything.
They don’t have to text you back. They don’t have to show up. They don’t have to do any of the things you hope they will do. And neither do you.
All in all, it’s a slippery slope, readers.
One minute, you’re okay with it. The next minute, you feel weird and confused. And then you feel weird and confused about why you feel weird and confused. After all, this is what you asked for, right?
If this emotional leapfrog works for you, right on. But for a lot of us, unclear boundaries can really hurt.
Lack of Communication
Let’s just say this: No one likes having “big” or “cringey” talks. But, as we evolve and grow, they become more and more necessary. For those of us who have been entangled in a situationship, the lack of communication is par for the course.
My biggest issue with situationships is that they are almost always born out of a miscommunication.
Have you ever talked to someone in a situationship who knowingly entered into it, after having a thoughtful conversation with the other person?
No, probably not.
Why is that?
Because the perk of a situationship is that you don’t have to TALK about the big stuff. At all.
When I found myself in a situationship, I was five months into dating someone exclusively (or so I thought). At the time, we were spending several days and nights a week together. We worked from home on our laptops, we cooked elaborate dinners, he planned romantic dates, and we spent every weekend curled up on couches in each other’s apartments.
I thought it was a done deal. Of course he was my boyfriend, what else could be going on here?
But, when I initiated the BIG TALK, telling my presumed-boyfriend that I wanted to make it official, he froze, saying he wasn't "ready for a committed relationship". I spent the next week in a crying spiral, thinking I'd misread the signs.
If this isn't a committed relationship, what have we been doing?
Things got messier from there. Turns out he had been sleeping with other women the entire time, and I found out in the worst way possible. Secrets, heartbreak, the works.
Blah, blah, blah.
Do yourself a favor: Grab your feelings and run.
Someone (Almost) Always Gets Hurt
And if you’re reading this post, readers, that someone is probably you.
Pop quiz: How do situationships end?
How does a non-relationship with no commitment or expectations or boundaries or effective communication end?
In the messiest (and most painful) way possible, of course.
Remember the charmingly-bad-communicator-slash-commitment-phobe mentioned above? Well, after discovering that I had unwittingly become entangled in a situationship, I dated him for another 7 months (I know). We spent more and more time together, he even dropped an “I love you”. When I told him I couldn't continue with our vague relationship, he said he was ready to make it official. So we did.
I thought I had finally conquered my pesky situationship. I had the guy, the title, the clarity. But, something still didn't feel right. Then, one day, while getting ready for a date, my situationship-boyfriend called and dumped me over the phone.
A five minute phone call to end a year of confused feelings and unclear boundaries and bad communication.
He didn’t explain, he didn’t apologize. He was done with me, and that was that.
I cried on the floor in a pile of dirty laundry, certain that I had done something wrong.
Turns out, readers, I didn’t do anything wrong.
It was my inevitable demise. That’s just how situationships go.
Always Ends Badly
Have you ever met anyone who was entangled in a situationship and somehow managed to get out scot-free (including yours truly)?
No. Why?
Because situationships are designed to fail. Someone always wants out, someone always eventually wants more - or less - or something or someone new.
Someone always has to END IT. And when they do, the other person is left crying in a pile of dirty laundry on the floor.
(In my case, the other person was me.)
Dating is a minefield.
What Did You Really Learn?
When relationships end, we look back and pick everything apart. There’s almost always something we can take with us as we move forward; something that makes us relieved that it’s over, and maybe even grateful that it happened.
But, when you’re in a situationship - the antithesis of an actual relationship - what did you really learn?
With each of my exes - the good, the bad, the woeful, the stressful - I can look back and say that I learned something from them. Something about myself, something about my partner, something about the way I communicate or handle stress. But, when my situationship-boyfriend dumped me out of the blue, I had nothing but heartbreak. And confusion.
He left me with no solace. He left me without clarity or resolution. He just…left.
That’s the thing about situationships. When they’re over, they’re over. And no one owes anyone anything.
It took months of crying and replaying memories to recognize the part I played in my own demise. I let him steer the ship and - as predicted - my situationship-boyfriend led me to ruin.
So, what did I really learn? That I HATE situationships.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Don’t get me wrong, readers. I’m not here to discourage you. If a situationship is what you’re after, by all means, go get it! As I’ve learned (the hard way), the world is full of people who would be more than willing to entangle themselves in a situationship. But, readers, I must advise you to go in knowing all the facts.
Know that it probably won’t end well. Know that it will probably hurt someone. Know that you might end up feeling confused and weird in ways that you didn’t think you would. Know that we live in a weird society that normalizes feeling and experiencing all of these things.
But, also know that those things are NOT normal. And, if you end up entangled in a confusing and messy situationship with someone who wants to manipulate you, it can be a very unhealthy place.
And, yes, of course there are perks to being in a situationship. But, there are perks to being in a committed relationship, too. And hey, there are plenty of perks to being single.
Find what works for you, and don’t bend for anyone. And, readers, no matter where you end up in these choppy waters we call dating, I hope you will be brave.
P.S. - If it ends badly, there's a pile of laundry on my bedroom floor with your name on it.
XOXO
Thank you for being so honest with your own experiences. Anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation will find strength in your ability to overcome and prevail.