Dating apps are - at best - stressful AF.
What started as casual dating websites (remember websites?) have morphed into what can only be called a romantic calamity.
We obsess over our bios, our photos, our prompts (why does anyone care what I would do during a zombie apocalypse?), and we pick ourselves apart. Don’t even try to guess how many hours I've spent rewriting and reorganizing my dating profiles (countless hours, readers). I would sit in my bed, in the dark, staring at my phone screen until my eyes blurred with burnout. I’d edit, take a break, feel self-conscious, then go back and edit some more. The cycle was endless.
Am I clever enough?
Am I attractive enough?
Am I being weird enough?
Am I being too weird?
Am I trying too hard?
Do I seem desperate?
And, of course the cringiest question of all - Will anyone LIKE me?
Gross, readers. The entire process feels like a never-ending middle school dance of despair. When and how and WHY did this merry-go-round of shattered self esteem start? And, more importantly, how do we get off of it?
Readers, I’m not entirely sure.
So, let’s chat.
WHY DATING APPS ARE TRASH
(in case you somehow missed it)
If you’re new to the dating app scene, welcome. But, if you’re a seasoned veteran (ahem, millennials), this list might feel like PTSD. Alas, it has to be said.
Here are some of the many (many) reasons why dating apps are trash:
Baby, You Vain - Gotta love the vanity of the internet, readers. As if social media didn’t make us self-absorbed enough, now we have to scrutinize every inch of our faces, bodies, and personalities in the hopes of snagging a romantic (or sexual) partner. Filters and flattering camera angles run the show - Duck faces are out, but dewy and unrealistically smooth complexions and bodies are in. We agonize over which pictures make us look the most unrealistically attractive, hoping to capture the interest of equally self-absorbed strangers. It’s wild, readers. And it’s definitely not healthy.
Self-Doubt - So, between the dewy filters and bikini pics and endless twinkly-eyed selfies, what do we find? A load of self-doubt, of course. Don’t let the camera angles fool you, dating profiles are seething with low self-esteem and a thirst for acceptance and external validation. It’s pretty hard to feel good about yourself when you’re comparing your photos with pics of complete strangers.
Quick Judgments - Why do we spend hours obsessing over our profile pics, bios, and prompts? Because people swipe at the SPEED OF LIGHT and if your profile can’t catch someone’s attention quickly, you’re out with the cyber trash. Dating apps force us to make very speedy-slash-hasty decisions about our interest in people based on one singular profile photo. If you’re lucky, someone will click and peruse your profile, but more often than not, it’s an instant judgment with an untimely end.
Lazy Dating - Whether you’re the swiper or the swipe-ee, one thing rings true for both: No one has to try that hard. At all. Each app has its own dating and contact guidelines, but they’re all LAZY AF, readers. If you met someone in the world, would you show them you’re interested be staring at them? No, you would initiate an actual conversation to assess your compatibility and interest. But in the dating app world, a swipe is sometimes all you need. And, if you DO match with someone, but neither of you boss up and make the first move, you un-match and are sent back to the drawing board. Oy.
Easy Come, Easy Go - Remember that whole GHOSTING thing? Well, it seems that the anonymity of dating apps have made it very easy for lazy daters to cut ties without accountability. No harm, no foul. Not sure how you feel about someone? No need to explain, just un-match and vanish forever. Cold, readers. Very cold.
One month after being heartbroken, jilted, and ghosted by my situationship boyfriend, I pushed myself and signed up for (gasp) Bumble. I was self-conscious and cry-y and underwhelmed; I didn’t feel ready, but I knew I needed to move on. Still reeling, I updated my profile and started swiping. I panicked when I had matches and panicked when I didn’t have matches. I felt awkward and out of place; I was so sure that nothing would come of it, but I gave it the old 'college try'. Weeks went by with nothing but creepy matches and awkward convos. But, right when I was about to (once again) delete my profile, I got a notification from the guy who would later become my boyfriend. Shocked and terrified, I messaged him.
Two weeks later, I hyperventilated outside the Mexican restaurant that would be the spot of our first date. When he walked towards me, I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so NERVOUS. What am I doing? Am I seriously going on a BUMBLE DATE?! It felt like the scariest moment that I wasn’t ready for, but I did it anyway.
What’s the point of this tale, readers? I went in expecting the apps to be trash, and they DEFINITELY were. But somehow I got them to work for me.
So, let’s talk about how to make the apps work for YOU.
HOW TO MAKE THE APPS WORK FOR YOU
(even though they’re trash)
Acknowledge that the apps are trash
Yes, readers. The apps are trash and we all know it. That being said, there are ways to make the apps work for you, if you’re willing to get low in the trenches. Before you even begin with the nitty-gritty of sifting through profiles and (gasp) messaging people, acknowledge and accept that you might not have the greatest experience, overall.
The apps are full of the WRONG types of people for you - the playboys, the liars, the cheaters, the ghosters, the sneaks, the cowards, the womanizers, the creeps.
So, a lot of your preliminary work will include weeding out the weirdos and sickos. But, there are also a lot of people who are on the apps for the same reasons as you. Whether it’s for love, companionship, getting back out there, or just searching for a fling, there are plenty of open, communicative, and non-creepy people with whom you might match.
Go in knowing that most of it will be a horror show, and you’ll be a lot less traumatized by what you find.
Don’t Romanticize Your Matches
This might be hard for some of the lovesick romantics out there (ahem, me), but hear me out. If one of your fatal dating flaws has been romanticizing someone or something that didn’t deserve it, this is for you.
Don’t put all the romantic pressure on the first person you match with, or even the first person you have chatty banter with. Don’t build Pinterest boards for your wedding or tell your friends you MET SOMEONE. Don’t buy date outfits and look up summer getaway houses on AirBnB. Don’t read wistful romantic novels and stare at your match’s profile pictures.
First of all, that’s creepy, readers. Second of all, it will get you nowhere.
Take each match with a grain of salt. Assess your own interest before fully diving in.
Remember, the world is full of billions of people, so the odds of your first match being your soulmate are fairly low. Just saying.
Treat it like a Dating Experiment
An experiment? Yes, readers. A Bill Nye experiment. Picture it: You are a well-goggled scientist in a lab and you are conducting tests to see what the wide world of ONLINE DATING has for you. If you find a match (or two or three), stellar. See where it goes from there. If you don’t, oh well! The experiment doesn’t have a fixed result, you’re seeing how it feels for you. This falls very much in line with the whole “don’t romanticize your matches” thing.
If you go in without expectations, there is very little room for hurt feelings or disappointment. Remember, dating apps are trash. Until you know that you’ve matched with someone you could see yourself exiting the app with, keep your expectations low.
Easy peasy.
Seek Friendly Chats and Take It From There
Yes, I am aware that the goal of dating apps is to find someone to date (or meet whatever romantic or sexual goals you have set). However, if you start each convo with the hyper-intensity of someone looking for a romantic connection, you might burn out pretty quickly.
Profile pics and bios and cute-yet-random dating prompts are great, but they pale in comparison to an actual conversation. Whether you are the swiper or the swipe-ee, whether you message first or not, go into it seeking friendly banter.
If the chatting is awkward or cringey, you’re probably not going to end up romantically entangled with that person, anyway.
Be Brave
Above all, readers. Go forth into your future with bravery and gusto.
One of my all-time favorite quotes from Texan Queen Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage”.
What does this mean, readers? It means that being vulnerable is scary AF.
Even if you’re swiping from the comfort of your couch, putting yourself out there is a form of vulnerability. There are so many risks, even through an app. Whether it’s being ghosted, matching with the wrong people, or not matching at all, there’s always room for fear in the world of dating.
That being said, readers, nothing will change if we don't push ourselves outside of our comfort zones. Message first, swipe right, be honest in your profile, put up pics that actually look like you. Overall, be your truthful and unapologetic self. The people who are the right matches for you will want you exactly as you are.
So, put on your big girl pants and be brave.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Well, readers, I’m fresh out of words. You know the deal: Dating is scary, the apps are trash, and the world is oversaturated with the wrong types of daters. But, try not to lose hope. Life can happen in the most random and unexpected ways. After years of romantic internet blunders with the wrong matches (ahem, Jeremy the Bumble Guy) and getting ghosted and agonizing over my profile, yours truly met someone pretty great. Truly, I did not see it coming. In fact, I had basically given up, entirely. Looking back, I’m glad I pushed forward, even when I felt hopeless.
Go forth into the great social experiment called DATING, embrace your uniqueness and your quirks, hope for the best, and plan for the worst.
My only wish for you, readers, is that - no matter how the apps work out for you - you will be brave.
(And well-equipped with an emotional fire extinguisher.)
Dating, after all, is a trash fire.
XOXO
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