Breakups are HARD. I mean, yes duh, but a rough breakup is like no other type of pain. The vulnerability, the shame, the rage, the sorrow, the regrets...I’m here for all of it. (Yes, I watched a LOT of Brene Brown the first few months into my Spinster-dom). Right now, I’m about nine months out of my VERY TOXIC RELATIONSHIP...and time assuredly did not fly. It has been an agonizingly painful year, for a ton of little (and big) reasons.
To sum it up:
(once again, if you’ve somehow missed my blunders)
1. Ended a VERY TOXIC three-year relationship, which resulted in a Monstrous Breakup
No hugs and 'Go, prosper, I love you’s here. It was more FUCK OFF FOREVER HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU BYE. Literally. We didn’t speak for months, and when we did...he had nothing but harsh words for me.
The relationship was toxic, the breakup was brutal, and I’m nowhere near being “over it”. He went from being one of my favorite people to someone I didn't know. I doubt we will speak anytime soon (if ever), and I have to be okay with that.
2. Spurned and Emotionally Jilted by The Ex I Never Got Over
Oh, if you don’t know who on EARTH I’m talking about, you can read literally and-slash-every Love and Relationships post on this blog to learn all about this overwhelming amount of emotional mumbo jumbo. Seven years in and my feelings haven’t changed. These days, I find myself wondering whether he’s the LOVE OF MY LIFE (scary), or the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
Hmm.
3. Booted out of my once-lovely Brooklyn Apartment by a Violent Squatter
The cops were called (more than once, more than twice, more than THREE TIMES A LADY), I once climbed a splinter-y ladder in the rain (with my emergency backpack) to escape my roommate’s violent episode. True Story.
But, you want to know the best part about being booted out of my Brooklyn apartment? Having nowhere to live and moving back home to - you guessed it - LONG ISLAND! Yay...
4. Spent Six Months in a Long Island Nightmare
My Long Island home is more than a “bummer”...it’s a toxic place for me. From the age of 9, it has been the treasure chest of emotional and verbal abuse at the hands of my mother’s husband (whose name I never say because I refuse to give him power). He is still in my family's lives; nothing has changed in over twenty years. They still live in toxic dysfunction, he is still a bully and a tyrant, I still avoid going home like it’s the Bubonic Plague. It’s an unfortunate arrangement, but it’s not my arrangement to change. All I can hope is that one day things will be different.
5. Formed an unhealthy assortment of creepy “get back out there” habits
I blame peer pressure from friends, family, and - ya know - THE INTERNET.
Nothing too crazy, just the usual stuff. Got catfished, stood up, awkward online dating, forced into date setups...the works. Hilarious and hideous at the same time.
So...yeah. It’s been a busy, albeit unfruitful, nine months. A LOT of major changes - some unexpected, some long overdue.
One of my biggest frustrations (now that I’m out of my crying-all-day-can’t-move-phase) is how quickly everyone expects me to MOVE ON.
“You’ll meet someone great.”
“The next guy you meet will be your husband, that’s how it always works!”
“Just find someone to have sex with and get it over with. You NEED IT.”
While I appreciate the support, I know what I need. I need to be left THE F$*K ALONE.
To me, “getting back out there” doesn’t mean finding a new guy to fall into (Re: Down the Rabbit Hole), it means snapping myself out of the fog and remembering myself. So, if you're hurting, like me, and hate societal pressure to MOVE ON...just say fuck it and follow the Sad Girl Rules instead. Or just...cry. Whatever.
Spinster Tips for
"Getting Back Out There"
1. Take Your Time.
Oh no, but what about THE ONE?!
What about MY REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM?!
What will my family say?
Who cares?! Say screw it and continue healing. The one can wait. Your reproductive system will still be there later, and if it isn’t, you can tell your great aunts to kindly mind their own beeswax, please and thank you. (Also, please don’t talk to me about my eggs. It’s creepy.)
Conclusion? If you need time to cry, CRY. If you need time to sit quietly and completely avoid eye contact with other people? SIT. If you need to avoid social settings altogether, AVOID.
Don’t let yourself be cornered or pressured to do something you’re not ready for. You’ll feel it, then you’ll regret it.
Don’t work on anyone’s schedule but your own.
2. See Who You Are ALONE.
This might seem like such a “duh” step, but it’s amazing how many of us forget it along the way.
Some of us immediately jump back into the dating scene (which makes me EEK, big time). Some of us cry for weeks (or months or longer) and can’t get out of bed. Some of us fixate on what went wrong, and spend weeks (or months or longer) telling ourselves that we are the reason it didn’t work out.
Those steps are completely valid and normal and understandable. No shame here, readers. HOWEVER, jumping into something new to fill the absence of a relationship won’t help you in the long run. It will actually totally fuck things up later (Re: My Very Toxic Relationship).
When The Ex I Never Got Over and I first broke up (after 3 years together), I fell apart.
I didn’t know who I was alone; I couldn’t stand to be alone with myself. So I just...slept.
And ate. And cried. And binged and purged and smoked weed and slept and cried. The cycle went on like that for over a year. When I finally felt ready to come out of it, I was so LONELY (and horny), I didn’t know what to do. I made some reckless choices, slept with the wrong people, and eventually jumped and landed into a new relationship with My Very Toxic Ex. I wasn’t ready, he wasn’t right for me, but I jumped in wholeheartedly, anyway.
Conclusion: Sit with yourself until you can stand it.
3. Ask Yourself The BIG Question.
I don’t mean, Am I shit for ending that relationship or Will I ever meet the love of my life?
I mean the question I was too afraid to ask myself before, and the question I’m asking myself now: AM I READY FOR THIS?
I know every breakup article and movie ever made tells us to “get back on the horse”...but do you actually want that?
So, I have to ask myself: Am I ready for this? And the answer, dear readers, is NO. I’m still hopelessly (and hopefully) caught up in The Ex I Never Got Over. Total Rabbit Hole moment, and by moment, I mean an on-and-off-seven-year-hole. How can I even imagine trying with someone new when I’m in this deep? I can’t see the forest for the trees. Because he’s every fucking tree.
While that is a painful realization, it’s also liberating. Maybe it’ll never work out between us and the tiny bit of hope inside me is futile and idealistic. Maybe we’ll never even speak again (Re: Still hasn’t texted back). Maybe I have another six months of sadness, or even a YEAR. Maybe I’ll never feel totally normal again. Maybe he’s THE ONE and I have to live with that.
Maybe. But, you know what else? I’m allowed to feel ALL of those feelings. The “maybe’s” are the reason why I eventually want to snap out of this.
But, for now, it feels good to sit in my feelings. Even the cry-y ones. Even the guilty ones. Even the anxious ones that wake me up in a nervous 4am sweat attack.
I tried numbing myself during the last Bad Breakup and it didn’t work. It only made things harder when I was finally ready to snap out of it.
Conclusion: Ask yourself the BIG question, and be ready for the answer.
Final Thoughts
Breakups are hard. Healing after a breakup can feel even harder. The process takes patience, persistence, and - my personal favorite - GRACE. Sometimes, I wake up and immediately start crying. Between My Very Toxic Ex and The Ex I Never Got Over, I feel like I’m healing from two bad breakups at the same time. And it fucking BLOWS.
But, I know that it’s okay. Because I’m not rushing the process. And I know that, eventually, I’ll snap myself out of it.
XOXO AURIE SAYS
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