In a nutshell: Breakups are the worst.
Whether you’re the breakup-er or the breakup-ee, nothing stings like fresh heartbreak. It can feel so easy to sink deeper and deeper into a black hole, only letting yourself come up for air when absolutely necessary. The couch can become your cocoon, encasing you in blankets like a chrysalis. Nothing feels the same, you don’t feel like…you.
Believe me, I’ve been there.
After my most recent breakup (which I’m not ready to write about just yet, readers), I didn’t move for days. I cried and cried and stared into space. I didn’t shower, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t eat (ironically, the moment I stopped trying to lose weight, I lost five pounds). I was jilted and shocked and couldn’t imagine ever feeling happy again.
So, here begs the question: How do you snap yourself out of a breakup when you feel like you’re sinking deeper and deeper? I’m sorry to say it, but there is no magic fix.
I’m not going to say read this book or take this class or listen to this podcast. Everyone is different. Our pain is different. You have to find the ways to get through on your own.
That being said, I can tell you what helped me. As a person who is still processing a very abrupt and hurtful breakup, I can get through the day feeling like myself again. And, that’s worth a lot.
Snapping Out of a Breakup
Don’t Rush It.
As a person who is perpetually impatient, this has always been a really tough one for me to accept. Unfortunately, there’s no way to speed through the pain…you just have to sit in it.
For a while. For me, the last time around, that lasted for a week. I barely moved. Each day started with me feeling nauseous and anxious. I cried the moment I woke up. I would sit like a zombie for hours, then I would have panic attacks and sob on the floor.
I hated myself for being so sensitive, so heartbroken, so unexpectedly wounded by someone I trusted. It was unbearable.
There were moments I thought I would never feel like myself again. But, I managed to sit in it long enough, and one day, I didn’t wake up and immediately panic. The nausea stopped, the anxiety calmed, I was able to eat meals and go for walks outside.
Little by little, I felt less horrible.
Patience is a virtue I’ve never had, but I had to force myself to wait my pain out.
Give Yourself a Break
Every time I get my heart broken (and it’s happened more than twice, readers), I get so angry with myself for being so…shattered. Didn’t I see this coming? Shouldn’t I be tougher by now? Why do I fall in love so easily, so readily? The list could go on forever. But, that’s a defense mechanism, readers. It’s easier for me to pick at myself and fault myself than it is to fault the person who hurt me. Even after the men of my past have broken my heart, I still made excuses for them. I rationalized and empathized with their hurtful behavior, telling myself it was my fault.
Don’t do it, readers. You’re allowed to feel EVERYTHING. Or nothing. No matter how you’re processing, give yourself some grace to get through it in your own way. I am a very sensitive, emotional, and sentimental person. I used to see those things as weaknesses, but now they are some of my favorite parts of myself. I love wholly and fully and I hurt wholly and fully, too. That’s just how it goes.
Baby Steps (when you’re ready)
After days of not eating, sleeping, or showering, I felt like a corpse. My hair morphed into something closely resembling a wasp’s nest, I could smell myself (never a good sign), and I felt more lost with each passing day. Always my mood booster, my mom called and told me to take a shower and get outside. “Wash your hair!” she said. “You love your shampoo. Smelling it will make you feel better, even if it’s only for a few minutes.”
Begrudgingly, I did it. And, once again, my mom was right. Smelling my favorite shampoo transported me to a happier (more hygienic) place. Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to scrub the sorrow off of my skin. I washed my hair, shaved my legs, and used a facial sheet mask. I felt like a brand new person. And, while I was still desperately sad and lost, at least I was clean. Baby steps, readers.
Get Outside
I know, I know. That sounds super peppy, like you got this, girl. Personally, I hate that cheerleader-y energy, especially when your heart is shattered and you feel like you’re dying. So, no. I’m not telling you to go EXERCISE. I’m not telling you to go for a jog or take a yoga class or make a green smoothie (if you’re anything like me, you don’t have a breakup appetite, anyway). I’m telling you to put one foot in front of the other and go outside. Not because you need to, but because you want to. The sun is pumping out Vitamin D like it’s its full-time job, which is a lucky thing because we thrive on sunlight.
Studies show people with lower levels of Vitamin D are more prone to depression, while light therapy has been proven to be a natural mood enhancer. On top of your mood, sunlight supports your immune system and reduces inflammation. Trust me, when you’ve been crying in the dark for days, a blast of warm sunlight on your face feels like heaven (even when you don’t want it to).
Pick One Thing and Do It (Everyday)
The thing could be anything. Making yourself breakfast, journaling, gardening - whatever it is, pick something and commit to it. For me, that was getting outside and getting back to the gym. I’m lucky to live close to a park, so walking to the water every morning was a great way to reset after a night of fretful sleep. Checking in with nature and feeling the sunlight (see?) made me feel like a new-ish, albeit forlorn, person. Getting back to the gym made me feel strong and empowered. I would blast my Girl Power Pop playlist and lose myself in my workout routine, which I truly love. But, it's more than just hitting the gym or going for a walk. It was a mental health reminder that I can handle anything.
Sometimes, we need those reminders more than we think.
Optional: Get Creative
Of course, do what feels good for you. I’m super artsy-fartsy, so doing something creative feels wonderful. When I finally pulled myself off of the couch (and into the shower), I felt ready to be creative again. So, I started writing. And journaling and cooking and reading and painting and knitting (which I haven’t done in over a YEAR)...anything that kept my mind and hands moving. Each journal entry or blog post or watercolor made me feel more like myself. Rather than stare into space, I put my energy into creating something; something which had nothing to do with my shattered heart or broken relationship. I created something for me, which felt really beautiful.
Final Thoughts
I know this is rough, readers. Maybe you’re in the midst of despair, maybe you’re on the other side. Maybe the worst days are behind you, maybe there are more rough days ahead. Either way, you’re going to get through it.
Sooner or later, perhaps when you least expect it, you’ll start to feel like yourself again.
And that’s worth everything.
xoxo
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