I’m not sure how to begin, readers.
My birthday has come and gone, and it was a rough one. Lots of crying (like, LOTS of crying), lots of weird/mixed messages, lots of toxic choices. I’m not proud to write this post, but it’s important to stay accountable for my shit.
Headline: I fell back down THE RABBIT HOLE and I’m trying to climb back out.
It’s harder than it seems.
THE EX I NEVER GOT OVER
Yes, he’s back. Or, did he ever really leave?
A quick yet painful backstory: During our December/January rekindling, I told him all feelings and close communication needed to halt. It was too much. He had (has) a long term partner, and - as someone who has been cheated on - I couldn’t imagine aiding such an act. In my mind, emotional cheating MORE than counts, and we had definitely crossed that line tenfold. When I told The Ex I wasn’t comfortable with discussing “the-future-slash-our-feelings” while he’s still with someone, The Ex told me we should “take space from each other”, which in his terms, meant he would return to his girlfriend to “ride it out”. Not only has he been a huge part of my romantic life, he has always remained one of my closest friends. I always, to a fault, looked to him as my "person", even when I definitely should NOT. We’ve never not been in each other’s lives, so the thought of not being “allowed” to communicate with him was a very painful sentence.
Even though I knew such an ending was coming, I was devastated, and quickly threw myself back down THE RABBIT HOLE, or the place I go when I’m at my lowest. When The Ex and I split up in 2016, it took me more than a year to climb back out of THE RABBIT HOLE. My weight spiked, my Bulimia resurged; depression kept me in bed for weeks and months. I couldn’t imagine life without him, so I fell apart.
I met my Very Toxic Ex during that recovery period; I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to let someone else in, but I was so desperately lonely, I didn’t read the signs. When that relationship shifted into something dark and toxic, I didn’t even see it coming.
I was still so consumed with my feelings of love and loss for The Ex I Never Got Over, I recklessly catapulted into my next relationship. (I was blind. So it goes.)
WHAT HAPPENED?
Readers, I don't understand his motives AT ALL. I've respected his space, but he continues to send (and unsend) messages. I have no clue what he's thinking or doing. I have no clue what he wants from me, which definitely contributes to that anxiety I keep mentioning.
And, after not speaking for six months (Re: His Decision), The Ex decided to CALL ME for the first time on - you guessed it - the first night of Mercury Retrograde (two weeks before my birthday). Stupendous timing, am-I-right?
My two best friends and I had JUST returned to our DC hotel room after getting matching “three heart” tattoos. For me, the tattoo had a LOT to do with The Ex. The three hearts are a constant reminder that I don’t always have to be TOUGH and REMOVED and OVER IT. I don't have to compartmentalize; I’m allowed to feel it all. So, when he called, it felt like a cosmic slap in the face.
OF COURSE HE CALLED on the very night I attempt to reclaim my emotions.
I didn’t pick up, but as I stared at his name on my Caller ID, I had a huge anxiety attack. Despite my best efforts to put him on a distant shelf, his outreach sent me back down THE RABBIT HOLE. Six months of hard work down the proverbial toilet.
I can’t sleep, I’m back to having anxiety attacks, I burst into tears for no reason. I feel like a fool. I feel like a failure. I feel like a lovesick idiot and I hate myself sometimes. But, those feelings are okay. Because they’re mine.
No more internalizing. No more being detached and removed. What good did that do? I bought myself a few months, and now I’m back where I started.
WHAT NOW?
So, he’s back in the picture, but do I want him to be? The long and short answer, readers, is yes. In spite of all the obstacles, I still want him. And I still love him. And that hurts more than anything.
I love him, even though I know I shouldn’t. I’ve loved him since I was twenty-four. Now, I’m thirty-one, and the feelings are still here. They’ve always been here. Just like my Bulimia (which hurtled through me like an emotionally triggered freight train last week), The Ex is the constant monkey on my back.
I’ve never stopped missing him, or loving him, and now it’s royally biting me in my heart’s ass.
So, last night, I - for the first time in six months - wrote back. It was terrifying, but I said exactly how I felt. Used and discarded. Jerked around and hurt. Confused and angry. I let him have it all. He, in typical fashion, has yet to respond. (As I write this, the anxiety tears are flowing, but that’s okay too. It’s THE RABBIT HOLE, after all.)
FINAL THOUGHTS
The truth, dear readers, is I have no idea what comes next. I have no clue what I'm doing. I’m still very much in THE RABBIT HOLE.
I’m afraid, I’m anxious, I’m lonely, I’m SAD. I’m so sad it’s debilitating.
I miss him every single day and it kills me too much to feel it, so I compartmentalize. I fill my days with writing and exercise and friends and work and general busyness. I don’t go on dates and I shy away from male attention. It’s just not where I am or where I need to be. As painful as it is, I need to sit in this feeling. I need to let myself feel it.
コメント