Well, well, well.
First month of My Covid Happiness Project...Complete! I’m already feeling really positive about what lies ahead. This month was all about openness, which doesn’t always come naturally to me. So, why not start the year with a challenge?
And, because this month is about being open…Why be open alone? Read below to learn about the scary things I did to stay open this month.
EEK!
THERAPY
Readers, I found a therapist!
After months (ahem, years) of procrastination, I decided to lock it down and confirm a 15-minute consultation with someone new. Thanks to the ease and comfortability of Open Path Collective, I found a therapist I liked within a few minutes of searching (she's totally amazing). I wasn’t sure how I would respond to therapy - I’m just supposed to start talking about myself? - but, as it turns out, it’s pretty easy. Once the comfort was established, sharing felt way less scary.
So far, we’ve chatted about The Ex I Never Got Over (whom I now sometimes refer to as “Big"), My Very Toxic Ex, The Friend Who Disappeared (again), and all the many blunders of life as we navigate the choppy waters of being single in your thirties during a global pandemic. Whew. Lots to unpack, but I’m truly loving it!
Emily is also a certified creative arts therapist, which means I get artsy-fartsy homework assignments! (Yes, my inner Hermione is elated.)
SPINSTERS (TV)
Another exciting development: I had the second reading of SPINSTERS, my TV series! I’ve been writing this series since December 2016, following a hideous breakup from Big when I sat up all night crying and power eating sandwiches.
Spinsters speaks to mental illness, specifically eating disorders, within the Black community. The message sits very closely to my heart, and it’s been really scary to share such vulnerable writing with family and friends.
But, this month, I decided to start the year by manifesting what I want, and I want to produce and film Spinsters! So, I made myself a martini and hosted a Zoom reading. And, y'all - it was amazing. I got incredible feedback from my VERY talented actor friends, and I feel like I can step into the next chapter of the Spinsters development process, which feels pretty freakin’ amazing. Stay tuned - I’m planning another reading in February!
So, basically, I was a nervous wreck, but I am now over the moon.
MR. BIG
No, not that Mr. Big. My therapist suggested I start calling my ex by a non-toxic nickname, so we settled on Mr. Big. Much like the ill-fated-and-perpetually-ill-timed lover from Sex and the City, Mr. Big has always been around. I always wondered if we were meant for each other, and I always go back to him with open arms (and a very unguarded heart). We haven’t spoken since last summer (Re: My Blunders), but two weeks ago I had a vulnerable slip. I sent him a regrettable text: "I miss you. I hope you’re okay."
Refresher, during our last correspondence, Mr. Big told me he was headed to an inpatient rehab program for his struggles with alcohol. I didn’t want to say or do anything to hinder his recovery, so I kept my feelings to myself. But, readers, he used me. TWICE. And it really sucked.
He told me he loved me, then disappeared.
He said we're meant to be together, that we were always been meant to be together, then went back to his girlfriend. The shame and rejection threw me down a very unhealthy rabbit hole, but I’ve since managed to crawl back out (again).
A few days ago (one week after sending the “I miss you” text), my phone buzzed with a notification from Big. My heart fell into its familiar rhythm of panic, as I read the message. He responded with a very perky, “Hey! I’m okay, still alive! Lol.” not speaking for the last 7 months was the most normal thing in the world. I felt like a sad pup with her tail between her legs.
But, rather than play along, I played hardball.
I wrote back a very succinct-yet-biting paragraph, outlining my feelings. The words flowed from my texting fingertips like water from a broken faucet. I felt like a BOSS, readers. A friggin' boss.
So, where are we now? Since my last long message, he has sent several replies. He apologized, said he owed me a much better apology and "does not expect anything in return". He never meant to hurt me, blah blah blah. It’s curious, readers - Now that I’ve expressed my feelings, I feel so much more in control. While he is still sending me check-in messages (“I hope you’re okay”, “I hope you’re safe in this blizzard”), I don’t feel compelled to respond just yet.
I’ve spent the last year thinking of him every minute. And, admittedly, it feels good to know that for once, he’s thinking about me.
HEALTH & WELLNESS
A bit of January backstory: My body is going through some weird hormonal shifts. I’m in the midst of switching birth controls, and I’ve noticed my weight has gone up. Not enough to be a huge noticeable difference, but large enough that I feel off. I’ve been feeling really bloated and bogged down, which is a bummer because I love being active and moving my body around. These days, it feels like I’m wearing a bodysuit on top of my own body, and I really don’t like it.
And - complete transparency - I am a person who struggles with body dysmorphia and eating disorders, so I know it’s a slippery slope from healthy habits to old toxic routines.
So, this month, I'm very happy to say I am back on the WW plan! I took a few months off, so I could enjoy the holidays and not obsess over every holiday sweet I nibbled (and there were many). I’m loving being part of the ww community, and I am a quintessential foodie, so cooking elaborate meals brings me loads of - you guessed it - JOY! Being in control of my body and mind makes me feel powerful and happy, so I’m really excited to see what the next few months bring.
FINAL THOUGHTS
It’s winter, it’s cold, it’s Covid…so the options outside of my home/work routine are limited. BUT! I’m very proud of my Covid January. I put myself out there, creatively and emotionally, and I’m SO ready to embrace all the ups and downs this year has to offer. I'm feeling brave, I'm feeling empowered, I'm feeling HAPPY.
Next month is all about LOVE. Here we go (again)..
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