Love? Ha.
When I created My Happiness Calendar, I made February all about love as a bit of a joke. I am squatting pretty low in my Spinster Rabbit Hole, but - I must be honest - I’m totally loving it. No stress about toxic exes or exes I never got over, no constant anxiety about being a good or bad partner, no breakups, no cry fests…yes, I’m compartmentalizing. But it’s working for me, OKAY?!
Putting my love life on a dusty shelf means I have way more space in my life for other stuff.
Other stuff? But what about LOVE?
Love is great. But being ‘in love’ isn’t on my radar right now.
But this month is all about LOVE! How will you have a happy month without love?
Turns out, this month wasn't about other people. It was about loving myself.
(Deep.)
BIRTH CONTROL
Hormones, hormones, hormones. It’s been a wonky few weeks, readers.
Backstory: I used Implanon (the implant) pre -Covid (aka The Good Old Days). Two years in, I had it removed and switched to the pill because I was having weird side effects. But, after years of relying on the implant, which basically sits in your arm and does all the work for you, I am TERRIBLE at remembering to take the pill. Morning, noon, night…doesn’t matter, I always forget. So, after one year, I decided to stop taking the pill. I knew the implant would be my best option, but I wanted to give my body a chance to recalibrate between hormones. I went cold turkey for a month…and my body lost its ever-loving mind.
Update: I spent most of February feeling painfully and uncomfortably bloated. It felt like I was wearing an extra body on top of my own body, and I hated it. My weight spiked - which, as a person who struggles with eating disorder habits, really freaked me out - and none of my clothes fit comfortably. It was as if I gained ten pounds overnight. Not wanting to fall into a body-obsessed panic, I tried to stay positive. I re-committed to my food and exercise plan and told mysef to roll with it. But, I had some pretty sad days.
It sucked feeling out of control, especially when I was already trying to keep myself from spiraling. I kept telling myself to give it time, but I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.
Eventually, my body started to regulate. The bloating subsided (after about five weeks), and my digestion went back to normal. I still have some wonky PMS symptoms, but it seems like my body is finally getting her s*@# together.
Conclusion: Get annual exams, talk to your doctor about your birth control plan. Don’t be afraid to try different tactics; see what works for your body.
GOODBYE, MR. BIG
When last we met, the status of my…whatever it is (was) with Mr. Big was completely confusing. He vanished for months, rekindled with his girlfriend, then casually reappeared. I sent him a long message explaining why I was angry, he sent a long message back, blah-blah-blah. The story goes on forever.
The long and the short of it? He’s gone for good.
After several sessions with my wonderful new therapist, I realized I would never fully open myself up to being - gasp - vulnerable with someone new if I was still clinging to the past with Mr. Big. (My therapist is a genius.) I could see that a big chop was inevitable - no contact, no messages, no texting, no ROMANTIC LEATHERBOUND JOURNALS. But, I still held on.
Days turned into weeks. I couldn’t bring myself to make a choice or a change; it felt too final, too scary, too permanent.
Mr. Big has been in my life since I was twenty-four. Now, as a thirty-one year old, I know what I want and what I’m worth. And I know that, despite our very romantic past, I don’t deserve what I’m getting in the present.
I wrote a goodbye message, explaining my choice to no longer communicate.
I said I didn’t think we should be in each other’s lives anymore. I said I felt emotionally jerked around. I said I wanted to find my person, but I would never get there if I didn’t move on.
After the message was sent, I instantly blocked him. Phone, messenger, everything. My therapist and I both agreed: I can’t sit by the phone, waiting for a response, waiting for him to choose me. No more waiting. This kinetic and emotional choice was HARD. Like, super hard. But, as soon as it happened, I felt an intense and instant wave of euphoria.
I stood up for myself. I did it. And I feel…HAPPY.
I’m sure some part of me will always fight to go back into the rabbit hole. Part of me will always wonder if he misses me, if he’s happy. Part of me might scream that I’ll never get over him. But, the part of me that wants to be free screams LOUDER. I want to be happy, I want to find my person, I want to be vulnerable. And I want those things for him too. I hope he finds his person…but I know that’s not me.
I’m proud of myself. I showed up for myself. I showed LOVE and support for myself. And that’s pretty badass.
GALENTINE’S DAY
Not wanting to lose the momentum from my BIG CHOP (i.e. Goodbye Mr. Big), my roommate and I hosted a Paint and Sip Galentine’s Celebration! Maybe it’s just because Covid has forced us to isolate, but it feels SO good to host parties again.
Arranging and planning parties brings me so much - you guessed it - HAPPINESS.
The paint and sip was a success! Everyone had fun, we had an overabundance of decadent snacks and bubbly drinks. But, it also reminded me how much I miss painting. Since Galentine’s, I’ve tried to set aside some evenings for painting and crafting. It feels really good to break from my Covid Winter Evening Routine (couch, TV, bed) and do something that sparks joy.
It’s almost like I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to do something I enjoy. I don’t need approval from anyone else; I can do this just for me.
P.S. I’m not a millionaire, so I get all of my art supplies (stretched canvas, paintbrushes, acrylics, drop cloths) from Dollar Tree, and I am OVER THE MOON about it. I love a bargain!
FINAL THOUGHTS
What a month. Final chapters, new beginnings, and hormones! Sometimes, you just have to laugh at what life has in store. I wanted February to be all about love. Part of me thought something even remotely romantic would happen - HA! Turns out, I got exactly what I needed: SELF-LOVE. I remembered how to stand up for myself. I learned to celebrate my body and all she does to keep me healthy, happy, and focused.
It wasn’t an easy month, but hey! I didn’t ask for easy, I asked for love.
Next month (or this month, because it’s mid-March, OOPS) is all about BRAVERY. Let’s see how it goes (eek!)
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