Sad music is playing. Food wrappers and tissues the space. MAEVE is in bed, fully submerged under the covers. Her room is dark and stuffy. JAZ and CLARISSA knock, then yell something. MAEVE emerges from under the covers and turns to US.
MAEVE
(to US)
I hate my friends.
We can hear them mumbling and fiddling with the lock on the door.
MAEVE
(moaning)
Noooooooo--!
MAEVE disappears under the covers. After a moment, JAZ and CLARISSA burst into the room. JAZ - polished, Type-A, bossy - has coffee and is dressed in very chic work attire. CLARISSA - always disheveled - is wearing enormous headphones and a giant neon T-shirt. She waves a bobby pin, triumphantly.
CLARISSA
Aha!
(to JAZ)
Told you it would work.
JAZ
Yeah, yeah...
CLARISSA holds the door for JAZ.
CLARISSA
(to JAZ)
After you.
JAZ
Maeve. Honestly.
JAZ trips over trash and eyeballs the room, clearly disgusted.
MAEVE
(under covers)
That key is for emergencies.
JAZ
This is very clearly an emergency.
MAEVE
I meant more of an "I've fallen and
I can't get up" type of emergency.
CLARISSA flops on the bed and lights a joint.
CLARISSA
Deal with it, this is a
Spinsters Intervention.
MAEVE
I hate that name--
JAZ
(points to her/themself)
Um, not a spinster. I'm with
Micro, remember?
CLARISSA
(to JAZ)
Oh...are you guys still doing that?
JAZ
It's been nine years, so...yes.
CLARISSA
Ugh.
JAZ steps on food wrappers.
JAZ
What are all these plastic strips?
MAEVE
Leave me alone, I'm mourning.
JAZ
I don't know what that means.
MAEVE
They're Trader Joe's candied
oranges and I don't want to
talk about it.
JAZ
Why.
MAEVE
Because I'm out of control. At first, I
thought they weren't that good, but now I am
power eating candied oranges all night and then
falling asleep on top of the wrappers like
a bloated sycophant.
CLARISSA
(distracted/eating)
I don't think that's what sycophant means.
JAZ steps on more wrappers.
JAZ
(horrified)
Jesus, they're everywhere.
MAEVE
I said I don't want to talk about it!
MAEVE groans and disappears under the covers. JAZ creeps around, inspecting the room. In an attempt to spruce up MAEVE's dresser, JAZ notices MAEVE's large vibrator.
JAZ
Ew. So you're back to crying
and masturbating again?
MAEVE
What, again? I never did that.
I told you, it was my college roommate,
not me, I don't know how that
rumor got started.
JAZ
Sure.
JAZ sits on the bed. MAEVE remains under the covers.
JAZ
So, what happened, exactly?
You saw Mickey, big deal. It couldn't
have been that bad.
MAEVE
It was that bad.
CLARISSA
How bad is that bad?
MAEVE
I body slammed him.
CLARISSA
...With your body?
MAEVE
Yes, with my body. Aggressively
with my body.
JAZ
I'm already very worn out
with this story. So you aggressively
body slammed him. And?
CLARISSA tries to hand the joint to JAZ, who fans it away and passes it to MAEVE, who takes a massive hit, and starts coughing like crazy.
MAEVE
(coughing/smoking/sobbing)
And? AND I wasn't even wearing my
good bra. It probably felt like
grabbing a sad chicken cutlet from
the back of a deli counter and
now the last thing Mickey's ever going
to remember about me is surprise
grabbing my lifeless deli tit.
MAEVE sobs and goes back under the covers. Unable to help it, JAZ starts throwing out snotty tissues.
JAZ
Okay, this is irrational.
First of all, fuck Mickey.
He's a liar and a cheater and
I'm tired of talking about him.
Also, deli tits aren't a thing.
CLARISSA
And thirdly, don't underestimate
your power. Those lifeless deli
tits are literally the ones that
got away. He probably ran back
to Brooklyn to masturbate.
JAZ
(laughing)
Clarissa, that's disgusting.
CLARISSA
(very serious)
No, it isn't.
CLARISSA passes the joint to MAEVE, who takes a hit and coughs under the blanket. JAZ puts coffee and a bakery bag on the side table, next to MAEVE. She reaches out from under the covers to grab the bag.
JAZ
Freddo espresso and a danish from
the Greek place on Ditmars.
MAEVE
(grumbles)
Thank you.
JAZ
Now seriously get up.
You smell like death.
MAEVE
(moans)
Stoppppppp--
JAZ's smart watch dings.
JAZ
Also, you have an audition at 2.
You told me about it last month
and I put it in my G-Cal.
MAEVE
You put my audition in your calendar?
That's weird.
JAZ
It's not that weird and before you
say you're not going, I invoke the
2012 Accountability Pact.
MAEVE
WHAT?!
CLARISSA
Damn...
JAZ
Yeah. So. You're going.
JAZ suddenly exits. MAEVE sits up in bed, infuriated.
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