top of page
Search

Safe Sexting Over 30

Writer's picture: Aurie.Aurie.


Well, you’ve done it, ya big old perv - WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF SEXTING.


If you’re in my 30 AND UP age bracket (yikes), you’re probably thinking what I’m thinking:

When the F%$K did sexting become the new naughty thing? What happened to the good old days of dirty magazines, The Spice Channel, and sneaking your crush those notes that somehow always said, “Do you think I’m cute? YES OR NO.”


Alas, readers, those days are so far in the rearview window, you’re a fossil for even mentioning it. Gotta roll with the go-hards, as they say.


When in Rome, do as the Romans do. And the Romans are SEXTING LIKE CRAZY.

So, crack your dusty old knuckles, warm up your ring light, and let’s get started, shall we?


 

SAFE SEXTING FOR

THE OLDER MILLENNIALS

(yes, you)




1. HIT THE LIGHTS


Let’s be honest. Gravity is starting to do some of us pretty dirty. And, before you say THAT’S NOT ME, give it a think. How many times did you put your phone down on Facetime, then caught a glimpse of your face as you leaned over the screen? Gravity pulls all that shit down, readers. And, as the Gen-Z’ers love to remind us, we all start aging after 25. The rate of aging depends on your genes, your lifestyle, AND THE LIGHTING YOU USE WHEN YOU’RE SEXTING.


Best tip? Get a freakin’ ring light, if you somehow don’t already have one for this virtual world we now live in.

Snag it for less than twenty bucks almost anywhere and everywhere. It’ll brighten up your face on those late-night sexts when you look and feel like hot wet trash.


 

2. LESS IS MORE


Beware, makeup-lovers out there: Too much makeup (or the wrong products on your skin) can turn a sexy evening photo into a caked-up nightmare.


It’s a slippery slope, especially when you’re trying to get your best angle whilst blasting yourself in the face with some white-hot ring lighting.


Best tip? Eyebrows, lashes, concealer, lip, THAT’S IT. Dewey skin is still very in, and you don’t want your sext lover to get an eyeful of your clogged pancake pores. Trust me.

**P.S. If your pores are hopelessly clogged (thanks, summer), try this Cetaphil Bentonite Clay Mask. It works for my sensitive-ass skin any day of the freakin’ week.**


 

3. YOUR PHOTOS, YOUR WAY


Maybe it’s me (fossil that I am), but it seems like there are only two acceptable forms of sexy selfies, and they both involve being a contortionist.


Those of us with rickety bones, early onset whatevers, and bitter dance injuries from high-school-musicals-gone-by know the importance of respecting your joints.

Best Tip? Contortion is not mandatory, and if you want to take the most basic sexy selfie in the world, DO IT. Know why? Your body, your power.

**P.S. The person you’re sending these pics to is over the effing MOON about it. Do you really think they’ll be mad if you can’t put your knees behind your neck?**


 

4. TALK DIRTY (if you want)


Sexting seems like it would be easy-peasy, but it can be incredibly awkward. How does it start, where does it go, what do you say?? There are no rules in this western world, and we are all but cowboys and tavern wenches trying to get our sexy shit together.


Yet, it seems that - right when I think we’re getting the hang of things - Sexting has morphed yet again into a dirty collage of overstimulation. Nudies just fall out of the sky and into your phone screen.


Where’s the texting? Is it all photos? ARE WE THIS OLD?!


When did photos replace romance? Yes, there can be romance in sexting. And, no, romance doesn’t always mean huge Darcy Declarations of love or promises for the future. The future? Ew. We’re always in our thirties, why are you RUSHING ME?


Best Tip? Live in the moment, use your virtual lips (ha), and SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

You want your sext lover to tell you exactly what they want? SAY IT.

You want them to send you more photos? SAY IT. (It is not always on their terms, ya know)

You want to write a hot, harlequin romance scene about how they rip your blouse and take you in the dairy barn? SAY IT!


Say what you want. Be clear, be direct, be dirty (if you want).


 

5. KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE THE PARTY


What’s one of the best qualities in someone new? Mystery.


Whether you’re texting your partner, an old flame, or someone brand-spankin-new (haha), keep it mysterious.


Imaginative, fanciful, silly? Absolutely. Sexy, dirty, and downright nasty?? Sure, if that’s your thing. But, in my humble opinion, the most important element to bring into a sexting session is MYSTERY.


Your sext lover doesn’t need to know that you're prickly because skipped a wax. Your sext lover doesn’t need to think about what you’re going to do next weekend or what you ate for breakfast or how many minutes until your next conference call (yes, I’m old shut up). They need to know what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, and what you want.

Best Tip? Have fun, maintain mystery, and when it’s over? Let it be over.

Slip out like a sexy thief into the sexy night.

I won’t say anything else about it. Let’s leave some mystery in the air, shall we?


 

6. LAUGH AT YOURSELF (and each other)


We all know it’s going to get awkward. How could it not? Internet glitches, sex stories going nowhere, ill-timed...completions. The list could go on and on, but why let it matter? You both have the same goals in mind. You’re both INTO EACH OTHER, and shouldn’t that be celebrated?


Big deal, you lose your sexy train of thought in your long winded story to nowhere.

Big deal, you sent the wrong emoji or the freakin’ AUTOCORRECT kept making everything about ducking.

Big deal, you got embarrassed or felt silly for two seconds.

Best Tip? Shake it off and ROLL WITH THE SEXY (and sometimes hilarious) PUNCHES.

You have to let yourself laugh a little. If sex isn’t at least a little funny, it’s EXTREMELY AWKWARD, so let yourself be an awkward weirdo about it.


 

FINAL THOUGHTS



Sure, there are a lot of rules when you’re dipping your toe in the sexting pool. Don’t want to drown, don’t want to float - There’s a perfect sweet spot for everyone. These tips are mostly half-kidding, and they’re based on what works for ME. I’m a loud, awkward, opinionated, talks-too-much-when-she’s-nervous sort of person, so I have to laugh at myself along the way.


The most important thing about sexting is being YOURSELF. You’re not putting on a show - You’re having a virtually sexy connection with someone who is probably (definitely) very excited to hear from you.


You’re a sexy, badass, wanton sext KWEEN. Enjoy it.


Now get to ducking.


XOXO AURIE SAYS


Comments

Rated 0 out of 5 stars.
No ratings yet

Add a rating
bottom of page