(Always. Swimsuit season is always bullshit.)
Oh, hey summer. You body-shaming-BASTARD.
Now, now, that’s not fair. It isn’t summer’s fault, is it? No.
It is the fault of THE PATRIARCHY, once again.
Let’s be honest: Skimpy summer clothing doesn’t always make us jump for boy positivity joy (especially after a munchy Covid winter), but we generally try to make the most of it.
We stay the course and power through, don’t we? Don’t we??
Oooooooh, Swimsuit-Season-HOORAY, let me beat myself up for having dessert, then grab the bathing suit I always say I’m going to wear, but never feel comfortable in. Then, when it doesn’t fit the way I want (because our bodies are constantly changing, GASP), I’ll fall into an existential crisis, which usually ends with me stuffing my face, anyway.
And, the cycle continues.
But, guess what? There’s a way out. You don’t HAVE to feel this way.
Why, dear readers?
Because, I’m here to tell you: SWIMSUIT SEASON IS BULLSHIT.
THE WHY
Formed to make 99 percent of the global population (specifically non-white-cis-straight-fit-supermodel people) feel shitty about their bodies, Swimsuit Season is a constant chauvinistic reminder that we live in a body shaming culture.
And, I’m no martyr, readers, I feed into the hype just like everyone else. Yes, I’m back on #WW (formerly weight watchers) and I’m feeling empowered, but that’s not always enough.
I still have those bloaty mornings where I beat myself up for the two cupcakes I just couldn’t say no to (who could?). I have those days when my progress isn’t even close to enough, and I nitpick at every flaw.
Sometimes, those days outweigh the empowered ones. But, I’m working on it. OKAY??
So…
YES, I splurge on ‘goal weight’ bathing suits three months before swimsuit season.
YES, I play into swimsuit season culture and “eat light” on skimpy summer days.
YES, I basically binge on sashimi and seaweed salad the night before any beach trip so I don’t end up feeling like a bloaty-body-shaming-eating-disorder-recovering whale.
Do these things help me feel better in the moment? Yes.
Are they healthy?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THE WHAT
Summer is my FAVORITE season. The heat, the sun, the SHORTS?! I'm all over it - A total talking sand in my toes, salt-water-frizzy hair, deli sandwich in my purse, tan lines from weird strappy bathing suit tops kind of beach baby.
I take the summer VERY seriously - Beach weather waits for no one.
However, dear readers, nothing snaps me out of a blissful beach day more than a trusty bout of body dysmorphia.
(Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations. - MayoClinic.org)
When my dysmorphia flares up, it ruins everything. A bloaty day at the beach turns into a guilt-riddled nightmare.
My brain usually rattles around a few: Will I look BAD in this bathing suit? Have I gained weight? My body is changing and I really hate it. Oh GOD people are going to look at me and other toxic questions, just to keep things fresh.
Luckily, I’m used to my EVIL BASTARD OF A SUBCONSCIOUS, and I know a few tricks and tips (or is it ticks and trips?) to throw in the mix when I want to throw my body off a bloated cliff.
Spinster Tips for
When Swimsuit Season is Bullshit
(which is always)
1. Stop. Looking. At. The. INTERNET.
Maybe it’s me.
Maybe I’m an old fossil of a toaster oven (born in 1990 GASP) and I just don’t get what’s happening, but I swear I’m going to punch everyone in their faces if I hear one more reference to TikTok or Instagram as a wellness guide.
The internet is chock full of (you guessed it) FILTERS.
Filters to make you look skinnier. Filters to make you look curvier. Filters to make your lips look plumper, your eyebrows thicker, your nose skinnier, and your waist invisible.
Please: Don't suddenly start a new summer diet because an Influencer you follow said it was amaaaazing. Don’t order a million weirdly-cut bathing suits because a Swedish yogi on TikTok said they'll make you look skinnier. Influencers aren’t gurus or wellness leaders or therapists or nutritionists. More than likely, they don’t know anything about weight loss, body image, eating disorder recovery, or any of the other shit you’re coping with.
Conclusion? Don’t rep the internet as your guru. Treat it like a Wikipedia footnote on your book report bibliography in 2002: NOT A CREDIBLE SOURCE.
2. Try Things On. (Like, In A Store.)
Clothes. Fit. Everyone. Differently.
Different designers have different size charts. Different brands are cut for different bodies. No matter what happens with my weight, I do not think H&M jeans will EVER truly fit me properly. Rather than beat myself up for not adhering to H&M's design blueprints, I shop in stores that can accommodate MY body. Like, my actual body.
Hey, you know what else is bullshit? BODY TYPES. Don’t get me started.
3. Use Body Positive Platforms
If you insist on using THE INTERNET, why not follow pages that make you feel - dare I say - good about yourself? There are ten billion Instagram pages and Influencers that REJOICE in body positivity. They thrive on spreading the word of self-love, and they sell it like it’s their freakin' job.
I have my favorites (which I will happily share on - there it is, again - Instagram), but it’s important for you to find yours. Seek out accounts that make you feel GOOD. It sounds silly, but it really should be that easy. I follow FOOD accounts. Why? Because cooking and sharing food with the people I love (including myself) makes me happy! I also follow cute puppy video pages, 90s nostalgia pages, celebrity flashback pages, eating disorder recovery pages, and a billion others. They ALL bring me some form of positivity and it's pretty sweet. (Not to brag, but my newsfeed is pretty incredible.)
And, along with following positive accounts, let’s unfollow those other accounts.
You KNOW which accounts I mean - The ones that make you feel like shit. The people who got the gig you didn’t. The people you compare yourself to, the people you secretly hope fail, the people who make you question yourself.
Chop, chop, chop, readers. UNFOLLOW THEM ALL. It might feel harsh at first, but these little choices make all the difference. Not being bombarded with negativity and judgement will make your INTERNET EXPERIENCE (yeesh) much more enjoyable. (Or, at least - less stressful.)
4. Enjoy the Summer (Without Obsessing)
Seriously. Why do we put so much pressure on bikinis and speedos? It's basically your underwear, guys. There is so much more to the summer than the beach. Museums, galleries, drive-in movies, walks around the water without actually swimming in it. The season is FULL of nautical adventures that don’t involve being basically naked in public.
And, if I might add: You don’t have to wear a bikini, one-piece, or a swimsuit at ALL if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
We glorify this culture without acknowledging where it came from or why. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. And if wearing a swimsuit is something you want to do, do it with reckless abandon. Besides, who decided string bikinis and skimpy cutouts were the key to a HOT SUMMER BOD, anyway?!
Oh, the Patriarchy. That's right.
FINAL THOUGHTS
As you know, it’s hot so I’ll keep it quick: YOUR BODY IS AWESOME AND SO ARE YOU.
Bikini Season is bullshit. It doesn’t exist and we don’t have to play into it. Yes, it feels good to play by the rules, but let’s be a little reckless, shall we?
Besides...some of us are turning THIRTY-ONE next week.
Oh God.
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