Sometimes, you just have to laugh at what the universe throws your way.
January was a full month. A lot of ups, a lot of downs. I cried, I laughed, I cried again...and before you side-eye me, NO I’m not pregnant. Not even close (like, not even close).
Guys...what is HAPPENING?! Am I...changing?
Am I growing?
Am I slowly turning into a person made out of sweatpants and cracker cuts and tears? Maybe. But, no matter what happens, I have to face it head-on.
Because, this month, I asked for honesty...and I GOT IT.
THE WHY
I’ll cut the suspense and dive right in, readers - the first half of the month was an emotional trash fire.
January was all about telling myself some hard truths. One hard truth involved finally confronting an awkward situation regarding feelings about that ex I never got over. Holding steadfast to my monthly intention, I was honest about my feelings, which is NOT something that always comes easily.
As a naturally guarded person, I am not the one who shows up in the rain with some bold profession of deep buried feelings. I’m more likely to whisper you a secret when we’re drunk at a party and then never bring it up again.
But, despite my natural predilection to evade hard truths, I told myself to be brave, to be honest, and to be ready. In the end, it was a mixed bag. Weird, scary, ultimately semi-painful, but also liberating. Being honest with myself and the people I let in is an important and necessary step. It’s what needed to happen; setting my intention was just the catalyst I needed to move forward.
NOW THAT THAT’S OUT
OF THE WAY
Let’s get back to the ups and downs of this wacky month. Aside from the socio-political mania, which keeps me (and hopefully you?) up at night - including but not limited to the ATTACK on the US Capitol, Trump’s impeachment, President Biden and VP Kamala Harris’ Inauguration, and - oh yeah - the global pandemic that is still spreading like wildfire - my personal life and relationships have left me a drained mess.
To top it off, I also had my birth control implant removed, so my body is basically having a hormonal panic attack. Cute, right?
Here are all the weird-slash-sucky things that happened this January:
Still living at home (on Long Island...nuff said).
Had my very-high-hormonal-birth control taken out, which sent me down an even more horrible cry-fest (Re: Emotional Trash Fire)
Jilted by someone I never thought would (or could?) hurt me, followed by weeks of evening sobbing into my too-sugary wine.
Realized I’m almost 31 YEARS OLD. God.
Found a zillion grey hairs on my hair, like a swarm of aging wasps (RE: 31)
So, yeah. Off to a weird start. But, you know what? There were also a LOT of positive things that happened this month. After all, this is my Happiness Project not my WALLOW-IN-SELF-PITY-AND-RAGE project. Moving past the muck into something new and beautiful, let’s get to the good stuff.
Here are all the COOL-SLASH-AMAZING things that happened this January:
I stopped telling myself
to feel horrible for ending
my last relationship
This was a toughie. The post-breakup period has been rough. I’ve quietly been compartmentalizing my guilt for months. Since the breakup/my move back home in September, I’ve actively avoided Brooklyn, which is an unhealthy start. Location aside, it’s impossible not to return to the scene of the emotional crime. I’ve analyzed (and overanalyzed) every little thing; every fight, every tear, every loving moment, every weird morning. Wondering where we went off the rails, wondering if he’s okay and still hates me, wondering if I’ll always feel this guilty and alone.
But, something inside me clicked this month. I lived SO much of my twenties worrying about the men in my life, then beating myself up for realizing we weren’t on the same page. The relationship had its ups and downs. Mostly downs, if we’re keeping it real. But, it was beautiful for a moment, too. And, that’s okay. In the end, we were not long-term compatible. And, that’s okay too. I still hate the way it ended, and I hope there is a chance to be okay with each other in the future, but I’m willing to start fresh and forgive myself.
And, for me - dear readers - that’s a BIG step.
I paid off my credit card debt
(ALL OF IT!)
Guys, I felt like such a grown-up. I called collections and haggled - yes, haggled - with an agent until I got to a price I could actually afford to pay off. Now, I am officially debt free. Plus, my credit score is amazing (let me brag a little, will ya?)!! I didn’t realize what a weight I was carrying until I suddenly didn’t have it anymore. SO, although being back at home hasn’t been ideal, it has given me the financial flexibility to save money and pay off my debts, which is pretty flippin sweet.
I started a new, creative job
I really enjoy
Starting a new job, even a virtual one, gives me SUCH a sense of morning mojo. I get to talk about theatre all day, plus I still have time to pursue my writing and Monster Classroom biz! Again, pretty sweet.
I saved enough money to move
back to the city next month
Hallelujah! Get at me, Astoria. Moving in with my bestie is the most exciting, girl-power-y thing I could have hoped for. We’re already redecorating the kitchen and I couldn’t be more thrilled. And, yes, we’ve already spent way too much money on Amazon. Sue me.
I got new headshots and I really love them (Thanks, Rashidah!)
Normally, I end up beating myself up for looking too...something. What can I say? Years of eating disorders and body dysmorphia have tainted my self view. This month, I told myself to embrace how I look, exactly as I am. Not with longer hair, smaller arms, bigger breasts (or smaller breasts depending on the week). And, you know what? I look badass.
P.S. - Support local businesses! Hit up Rashidah DeVore for your next professional photo. She's the real deal.
my hair and skin decided to stop hating everything
Thanks to a new skincare regimen, my psoriasis cleared up!! My skin (knock on wood) hasn’t looked this glowy in months. Thank you to CeraVe Psoriasis lotion, thank you to Cetaphyl sensitive skin cleanser, and THANK YOU to the universe for keeping me calm long enough to soothe my emotionally enraged skin. And, I finally taught myself how to crochet-twist my hair, which is sleeping soundly and - hopefully - growing like a lil' weed. All in all, a good month for pampering.
My bestie and I started a book club
A-Story-A Gals! GET IT?! I thought it was pretty cute. Can’t WAIT to dive into this. Quirky bookworms, unite!
I registered for my first 5K!
Since this month was all about HONESTY, #letsbehonest : I’ve put off doing something like this FOREVER. I’ve always said I would run a 5K, but this is the first time I’m actually doing it. And I'm doing it for the right reasons, I might add. This isn’t meant to whip me into shape, help me lose weight, or anything even close to altering my appearance. I love my body and all she does to stay healthy and strong. I wanted to give myself something FUN to look forward to. And, yes, I think training for a 5K is fun! Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard work. Making myself wake up early before work to run on a Treadmill to 5K interval training is hard, but it also feels SO empowering. I can’t wait!!
FINAL THOUGHTS
So, I hate to be one THOSE GUYS, but I have to: The glass is always half full, if that's how you choose to see it. I started this month with so much sorrow and heartbreak and anxiety and rage. I had anxiety attacks for the first time in the four months since the Bad Breakup. I was beating myself up about so many things: Ending my 3-year relationship, the surprising (and inappropriately timed) whoosh of feelings for an ex I never got over (Re: jilted), not saving enough money, etc. Once I stopped trying to wallow, the narrative changed.
I had a wonky January, to be sure, but I also had a transformative month. I wanted honesty to be the headline, and I got what I wanted.
I was honest about my feelings, my guilt, my insecurity, my loneliness, and my goals. I want to be happier, healthier, stronger, and more creative. Can’t do that bingeing Netflix and looking at old photos of people whose energies no longer serve me. Time to release what isn’t working and create a trajectory bathed in positive and only slightly sarcastic optimism.
Next month’s intention? CREATIVITY!
Get at me, February.
XOXO
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